Sunday, May 24, 2015

Magical Fortress


I had a really great hour with our kids the other day.  A single hour in all the hours that I spend with them.  It happens a lot less frequently then one would think.  It happened in College Woods when Charlie and his friend split off from a walk we were taking (I had it under control.  I TOTALLY knew where they were the whole time!) and found a magical fortress off the beaten path.  It was so magical that it had benches made from tree trunks, a rudimentary wall made from dead little trees, a fire pit, Bud Light cans and some basic trash.  Magic is for all age groups, you know.

The fun began when after we found the boys.  "We" being older brother Andrew, younger sister Elly and the dog.  I didn't lose my shit.  That was the first magical thing.  I let them show me their super secret, super cool find and when it became clear that all of them wanted to play there, I found a spot to plant my butt and let them.  And they did.  They played together, they played apart, they checked in with me every now and then.  It was very chill.  And I just sat there.  On my butt.  With my phone.  Scrolling through 500 pictures from a family wedding that just got posted.  Texting here and there.  Talking to the kids when they visited me.  I even showed Elly how to "Ohm" (she didn't get it).  It was awesome.  After about an hour they decided they had enough and we left.

It's going to be that hour that gets me through a lot of things I think.   I am 42 years old (ok, years young).  I just started working again after 12 years at home.  Going back to work has been nothing but healthy for me and I think for the whole family, but it also means for sure that time is moving and it's moving fast.  Prior to that fort being found my oldest son was walking 50 paces behind us, earbuds in, hating family walks hard enough that we were all physically influenced by it.  He is a good kid, my oldest son, but he is 13 and already starting to separate from us.  The other two aren't far behind.  It was just by dumb luck that the other boys found that fort and we were all able to forget what was distracting us for a while and just be.

I have no idea when the next hour like that will happen again.  I sometimes get them, on my own, when I practice yoga.  But this was all of us.  We weren't trying too hard.  We weren't trying at all.  And we were together.  It's going to be that hour that is going to get me through the next string of evenings we can't agree on dinner.  The next 50 times I yell at the kids to go to bed and refuse to absorb their discontent or drama.   It will even get me through the times when I miss my best friends because we are all so busy doing the same things we can't even do them together anymore.

It's not so much who was or wasn't there at the Bud Light fortress that time.  It's the fact that it can happen.  It's the fact that for that hour everyone was getting exactly what they needed without trying too hard.   I think that really will get me through so much.



Sunday, May 17, 2015

I Can Take a Compliment

A woman gave me a compliment today.  What I can tell you about this woman is that she is striking, tall, carries herself with intelligence and seems to take herself seriously.  We've spoken once or twice before and both times I felt compelled to keep it calm and sound thoughtful.  I don't know her name but she is that kind of a woman.

The compliment was given after a particularly good yoga class.  Hot yoga.  Bikram yoga.  She told me this was the second day in a row that she practiced behind me and she thought my practice was really beautiful and graceful.  She emphasized that she thought all my poses were consistently solid and again, beautiful.  I know that she knows yoga well enough to give the compliment and also knows that my practice is not perfect.  She knows that is not the point.  So do I.

I responded with a "Thank You".  Several of them.  I made no self-deprecating jokes whatsoever and allowed only one quip about making sure to practice in front of her always.  Just the day before, in the first class this woman was behind me, our teacher had told an anecdote about a famous female comedian making the point that as soon as women start to do well at something they tend to self-deprecate.  Good point.

I am not a person who has ever been comfortable with my physical presence and since I was about 13 it was clear to me that I missed out on true happiness because my hair is too thin, my thighs too fat, I can only be less than a size 12 when I practice anorexia, and I have a weak chin.   I squirm when being checked out by men or women, my husband even,  and I absolutely did not enjoy look at myself.  Not in photos.  Not in mirrors and definitely not in big giant, wall sized mirrors while standing next to people in tiny clothing that often covers even tinier bendy butts.  Or so you would think.

I started practicing Bikram yoga about three years ago after being inspired by my husband to give it a try.  From the very first class - in my awful aqua colored tankini top and getting dizzy and nauseous through every standing pose - I was transfixed by myself in the mirror.   I was shaky, uncoordinated, and out of shape.  But in that mirror, I was goddamn BEYONCE wearing that awful aqua colored tankini top.

Over time I have built up my strength, flexibility and skill through yoga.  I think I can hold my own.  One thing I have never had to do, though, is improve upon liking what I see in the big mirror.  That started on the very first day.   I have no idea if the striking, intelligent woman was being genuine or she just might be the "pay it forward" type making a point to compliment someone every day.  What I took away from that interaction with this woman is that I have been keeping a secret for quite a while.  My secret is that I am beautiful - and I believe her.